


your heart beating under my skin

by flavus



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: "but it's fine friendship is enough", "jk i still want to make out with you", (i guess pretty slow), (i mean how slow burn can a 17k oneshot be), (it's not mentioned but it's there), 17k words of yearning, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Gay, Gay Panic, Gen, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Trans Kurapika, emotional repression is the name of the game, no beta we die like men (as usual)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29461809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flavus/pseuds/flavus
Summary: Kurapika and Leorio keep running into each other.More accurately, Kurapika runs. Leorio finds a way to wedge himself into Kurapika's life anyway.-March 5, XXXXCall from kurapika to idiot soulmateReceived at 8:04 a.m."You matter to me. I don't tell you that enough, so here it is on voicemail so you can keep it with you. But I'll say it more so you don't have to keep hearing it on voicemail. We've had enough of those for lifetimes."
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika & Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight, Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Senritsu | Melody, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Kurapika/Pairo (Hunter X Hunter), Leorio Paladiknight & Pietro
Comments: 10
Kudos: 43





	your heart beating under my skin

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [drench yourself in words unspoken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11409702) by [raisindeatre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/raisindeatre/pseuds/raisindeatre). 



> this absolute behemoth of a work was supposed to be for valentine's day and then it somehow got out of hand. i've been thinking a lot about soulmates and different types of love, especially after going through my fair share of heartbreak over the past six months. and while i don't necessarily believe in "the one", i believe that there are some people who you're meant to find. people who feel like home.
> 
> with that thought and a dose of inspiration from the lovely atla one-shot "drench me in words unspoken", which lives rent-free in my head, this baby was born. heads-up, i took many liberties with canon things + my timeline's all funky because i haven't yet finished the anime or the manga.
> 
> cw for an anxiety attack toward the end, it's in the section that starts with "leorio was exhausted when he got home." 
> 
> title is from "under my skin" by jukebox the ghost & i listened to "beginning, middle, end" by the greeting committee non-stop while writing this :)

"Idiot, I'm trying to help you!" Leorio snapped at the shorter man about to open his mouth, throwing his hands up in frustration. His temper was already worn out from the turbulent boat ride and the apple that was rocking back and forth in his stomach. They didn't have to tell the snarky captain anything. He was doing the right thing by telling this snooty guy to shove off and keep his reasons for being here under wraps. 

Gon looked nervous, and Leorio barely had time for the regret to hit him before he felt like all of him was being dissected when Kurapika snapped back. 

Breath shuddered into him as he remembered where the words came from, how he hadn't meant to say them until he did, and they just felt right. All of his body recognized this man and he wasn't sure if he liked it. 

* * *

Kurapika didn't mean to say the words. They just fell out before his brain caught up to his mouth.

"Idiot, I'm trying to help you," muttered under his breath, directed to the loud, unfairly attractive man in an ill-fitting navy suit, on a rickety ship sailing toward the Hunter Exam. 

Normally, he would've politely cleared his throat and glared at the offender. He had manners. But the captain had threatened to prevent them from taking the Hunter Exam and he could not have anyone standing in the way of his revenge, no less some stranger who was too squeamish to bare his life story to the examiner. It was reckless, but his patience was wearing thin. And the other man, Leorio, had already called him an idiot.

A pang of something that felt like indigestion slammed his insides. His heart skipped in his chest, stealing from him a single breath. Heat flooded his cheeks and colored his eyes. He registered the distinct sensation of his world shifting on its axis — not the shattering lurch that he'd felt finding out his clan was dead — but like a veil had been lifted, shading everything with Technicolor.

He didn't notice the way Leorio's face, for a second, melted into uneasy recognition. He made it a point not to notice Leorio's face at all, looking pointedly ahead. 

So this is what it felt like, he thought with a stab of anger, teeth clenched. Finding your soulmate. 

* * *

The first time he noticed the mark on his arm, he was five, and Pairo pointed it out before he did. When his friend didn't know what it was, Kurapika immediately ran home and asked his mom to tell him.

"It's a soulmark," she explained, pulling him onto her leg. "They're supposed to be the first words you say to your soulmate." She traced the lines of the tattoo, her eyes crinkled with laughter as she read it out loud. 

"Idiot, I'm trying to help you." 

"Whoever your soulmate is, it sounds like you'll have an interesting time with them," she hummed. 

"Where does it come from, Mom?"

She explained that no one knew where soulmarks came from; just like the scarlet eyes, not all Kurta — not all people — had one. But, she said, she did. Kurapika waited eagerly for her to roll up her sleeve to reveal a delicate line inked on black on her forearm. "I think that's mine." 

He tilted his head up to meet her eyes, curious. "Did Dad say that to you?" 

Her eyes flashed red so quickly that Kurapika thought he imagined it. "No. My best friend did."

He knew his mom's best friend, Astra. She was Pairo's mom and they spent hours laughing over cups of tea, talking about books and him and Pairo and other things that he didn't care about listening to. But he didn't understand. "I thought soulmarks were for people you married."

She smiled at him, this one sadder than before. She took a sip of her tea and ruffled his hair. "I thought so, too." 

"So why aren't you and Astra married?"

"Soulmarks are for people who belong in your life. That's what Kurta lore says, anyway: that in every universe, they are someone you run into. Someone who feels like home. No one knows when they'll appear or how they'll be in your life. But they'll be there." 

That's a lot of words, Kurapika thought, and he was starting to get sleepy. But he nodded. "Thanks, Mom."

The conversation stayed with him. After he woke up from his nap, he lay in his bed, thinking and thinking. Did Dad have a soulmark? What did his look like? What would his soulmate look like? Where would they meet? 

Eventually, his stomach decided for him that it was too much thinking and he went down to have dinner.

As the years passed, he started wondering more and more if the mark stood for the first words he'd said to Pairo, or if Pairo's sentence — _Excuse me, you're in my way_ , in hastily scribbled script — were the first words he'd said to Kurapika. As he rounded the corner from 9 to 10, he found himself staring more at the other boy's black hair, marveling at how soft it was. If both his eyes and cheeks flushed red when their eyes met for longer than was expected, he would've denied it. In the quiet of the night, he would take out his soulmark and trace Pairo's name over it. 

Still, there was something in his chest that refused to accept that. Instead of butterflies and passion and magic — an inexplicable understanding that him and Pairo were magnetic — he thought of Pairo like the sun. Thinking of Pairo reminded him of the feeling he got laying in the afternoon sun, flipping through a book in comfortable warmth.

It unsettled him. He didn't want to be wrong. But it didn't matter: when he turned 12, Pairo was gone. If Kurapika had found his soulmate in him, or would've found his soulmate among the Kurta, he would never know. Nor did he care. Everything in him broke into unrecognizable pieces after he lost everyone he loved. 

From then on, Kurapika vowed he wouldn't try to find his soulmate. He didn't want to lose anyone else; he'd already tasted enough loss to last lifetimes.

* * *

Leorio remembered skidding into his house the day he met Pietro, tripping over his feet. A transfer student to eighth grade with fear written all over his face, Leorio strode right up to him and took him under his wing. Eight hours later and they were best friends. 

"Mom! I met my best friend!" he said, breathlessly. 

She held up a finger to her mouth, gesturing to his sister, who'd fallen asleep doing homework at the table. He laughed, much to his mom's irritation. Thankfully, Camila didn't stir, otherwise he would've had his ear tugged at. 

"What if he's my soulmate?" he whispered, trying his best to push his excitement down.

"Mi cariño," his mom said. "Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself? You're so young," she clucked.

"But weren't you my age when you met Dad?" 

She huffed, but it was a sound that meant that he was right. "You're going to ask me to tell the story again, aren't you." It was a statement, not a question, and one at which Leorio nodded so fast that he thought his head would fall off.

"He moved in next door and the moment I saw him, it was love at first sight. He was picking up the mail but he'd gotten his key stuck and couldn't figure out how to unstick it. I was the shiest kid ever—"

"That sounds hard to believe."

"—Well, believe it. Anyway, I was the shiest kid ever, but for some reason, I felt brave that day. And I decided to help him. Our hands brushed and I just knew. I knew it a hundred times over, when he showed up in my class at school, when we found each other at the supermarket after years apart, when we got married, when all of you kids were born, every time I wake up in the morning."

Leorio sighed, dreamily. He knew that he wanted that, wanted something that felt like a fairytale. But he remembered to ask something he'd forgotten every time he asked Mom about the story.

"What do your and Dad's marks say? Can you tell me now that I think I found my soulmate?" 

His mom grinned. "We don't have them."

Leorio thought his eyes would fall out of his skull. "You don't have them?"

"Nope," she confirmed, smiling. "And it didn't matter." 

"You just don't have marks at all."

"Neither of us do, mi amor. I think no matter what the stories say about soulmarks, soulmates are made, not born. You find people who feel like home and you stick with them for as long as you can." 

"And that's what you and Dad did," he said. 

After they talked, Leorio angled his back in front of the mirror to look at his mark. _Idiot, I'm trying to help you._

It wasn't what he said to Pietro; no, his first words had been something like "Hey, do you need a tour around school?" or "Hey, new kid," but he held onto what his mom had said: Soulmates are made, not born. And every day he spent with Pietro felt like building something that would last. Every conversation they had over shitty cafeteria food that they got from the school's reduced fare program, every walk they took to get home, every book Pietro read for Leorio and every math problem Leorio did for Pietro. Leorio's soul, he realized, was home. 

And then, when they were 16 and Leorio was planning to ask Pietro to be his boyfriend, Pietro got sick. Everything they built together, the plans they had for their future, they all slipped through Leorio's hands like grains of sand. 

At Pietro's funeral, Leorio made two promises. 

One, he would become a doctor and open up his own free clinic, so no one would have to go through the agonizing pain he had, of watching a friend — a soulmate — die from something that money and care could've prevented. 

Two, he would put his dreams of finding a soulmate, someone to build with, on hold until he fulfilled the first promise. 

By the time he boarded the boat bound for the Hunter Exam, he'd all but forgotten about the soulmark. 

* * *

At first, Kurapika expected his soulmate — Leorio, he said the word over and over in his head, a few times out loud when he knew no one was around to hear him — to be an enemy. What else could he imagine the man to be when Leorio threatened to wipe out the rest of his clan? To kill him? 

He knew nothing of loss, Kurapika thought, every muscle of his body ready to go on the offensive. No one who did would've let such filth, such horrible things come out of his mouth. When he followed the other out onto the deck, he was prepared to make him regret what he said. He was not a killer; he would give Leorio chances. But there was a vindictive, spiteful part of him that wanted to incapacitate the man, soulmate or not. If that was the person who fates had determined would come back to him — and vice versa — he didn't want it.

He didn't expect the other teenager to keep surprising him: first, when he grabbed Gon's leg and they worked in tandem to haul the other boy and the crew member he was clinging onto back onboard. Next, when they ran into the Kiriko and he saw the care with which Leorio took care of the injured man. Even without realizing the disguise, this was a man who was not only immensely skilled, but someone who wanted to put things back together. 

Kurapika lingered at the door a minute longer than necessary, observing his soulmate, the word still tasting foreign on his tongue. 

Behind the bluster Leorio wore and the man being rough around the edges, he was soft. He was earnest and bumbling, two things Kurapika was decidedly not. For the first time, he noticed how threadbare the suit was getting, starting to fray at the edges. The moonlight framed Leorio perfectly, hitting his olive skin and making his cheekbones shimmer. He had a nice back, Kurapika thought faintly, wondering what it would be like to run his hands across the man's muscles.

"Ready to go?" Leorio had looked up then, catching Kurapika deep in thought. He nodded and they got ready to leave. Kurapika thought of the way the man looked the entire flight to the restaurant. He thought of the way the man looked the third time Leorio surprised him — determined, passionate, glistening in sweat from exertion — when they were running to the second phase of the Hunter exam. 

He doubted that Leorio just wanted to be a Hunter for the money. He saw the way that the man looked after the Kiriko; he couldn't believe someone with that much care would go through the grueling task of becoming a Hunter just for the financial benefits. There were other ways to obtain money. So he pushed, and as soon as Leorio mentioned money and lives and fulfillment in the same breath, he felt himself tensing up.

"Take back those words, Leorio!" he shouted. "If you're after the Kurta clan, I won't forgive you!" 

That same rage from their initial meeting coursed through him, propelling him forward. Each step felt like a stomp while he waited for Leorio's response; it came quick and fast, confirming Kurapika's assumption.

"My friend wouldn't be dead now if I had the money!" 

And the stubborn set of Leorio's mouth hit Kurapika right in the gut. He kept his eyes trained on Leorio's face even as the other looked ahead so as not to meet Kurapika's eyes. He swallowed the words he'd thought earlier, that Leorio hadn't known loss. That marked the first time Kurapika looked — really looked — at Leorio's face. He saw the lines that had begun to form, lines that made him, Killua, and Gon all think that Leorio was an old man. Lines that linked to a life spent worrying and a life marred with the loss of a loved one, a preventable loss. Hazel eyes that held pain, a posture that was always on the defensive and turned in. 

Maybe he didn't hate his soulmate. He could see him becoming an ally. 

But he doubted that they'd be in each others' lives long. That was how it was, what with him pursuing revenge; lingering anywhere was dangerous, not just for the people he was with, but for him. He had to protect himself. 

* * *

It was Leorio who brought it up first, in Trick Tower. Part of it was curiosity. 

He wasn't blind: Kurapika walked the line between cute and sexy and walked it well. He caught his eyes flickering over to his soulmate more times than he was proud of, tracing his sharp jawline, memorizing the swoop of his bangs brushing over his eyes, wondering about the single red earring clipped to his left ear. He'd never kicked his curiosity habit, which helped when he was taking care of patients but not so much when he was trying to be a decent guy who didn't want to overstep boundaries. 

He could see Kurapika was both shy and defensive, two things that probably served him well while he was trying to avenge his clan. He seemed more friendly with books than people and it made Leorio hurt, thinking of all the people Kurapika had possibly pushed away since he'd lost everyone. 

What pushed him over the edge was the desire to know the other teen better and the heady confidence the lack of consistent sleep brought him. He crawled over to Kurapika, whose nose was still in a book — he wondered how many of those Kurapika had read in his life — and went for it. 

"So," he cleared his throat, trying not to wake Gon and Killua, who had finally dozed off. He didn't give a rat's ass about Tonpa, but he also didn't want word spreading among the three other people. "We're soulmates."

"And?" Kurapika said coolly. Though he didn't look up, Leorio saw his expression close up from the vulnerable look he wore when he was reading. 

Leorio didn't know what else to say. He thought the other would've had more thoughts on the matter. He reached up a hand to scratch the back of his head and grinned sheepishly. 

"Shouldn't we get to know each other?"

"I'm not sure that's the best idea." Kurapika was still flipping pages, not even bothering to meet Leorio's eyes. 

"Why not?" 

That got Kurapika to look up. He looked annoyed, though Leorio couldn't tell if it was from the interruption itself or from him in particular.

"Just because we're, you know, doesn't mean we have to be glued to each other." The dismissal in his voice was evident as he dipped his head.

His soulmate couldn't even say the word to him. Leorio realized with a sinking feeling that maybe his mom was right: Soulmates were made, not born. 

The mark on his back said otherwise, but it was just a mark. It didn't mean anything. Still, disappointment weighed heavy in his chest, mingling with his guilt from losing the bet. The feelings stuck there, even after he crept back over to the TV, playing games until his vision blurred, after he lay down on the sofa and tried to sleep.

His brain taunted him: You're not a good enough soulmate. You're a horrible teammate. You couldn't save Pietro. What makes you think you can get through this exam? They're all smarter, they're all better than you. You're pathetic. No wonder your soulmate doesn't want you. 

Tears stung his eyes and he rolled over to hide them, bit his lip to keep them from pouring out. He let his brain keep going until he grew tired of hearing himself telling himself to shut up and sleep took him. 

(He didn't see Kurapika look over at him, a crease of worry settling between his brows, and pull the blanket back over Leorio. He didn't see Gon and Killua, both light sleepers, startle awake imperceptibly at the not-so-hushed conversation and look between Kurapika and Leorio with wide eyes.)

* * *

They didn't speak of it through Zevil Island — where Leorio or him had ample time to bring it up — or through their mission to help rescue Killua. Kurapika thought about mentioning it during Zevil Island, always at night, always when he caught his eyes wandering to Leorio. He couldn't tell if the other had been sprouting more wrinkles and he was afraid to ask because he knew it could be taken as an insult, but he was worried. 

Instead, he offered friendship, slowly but steadily. It was a strange dance for him to get roped into: he realized all too quickly that he'd forgotten how to make friends.

Thankfully, Leorio was a good lead. He carried conversation where Kurapika couldn't string together words. And they weren't as different as Kurapika had thought. He found that Leorio brought out the contentious side of him in a way that was less acerbic, less cynical — more playful, less bite and more bark. 

On Zevil Island, when neither of them could sleep for nerves, they passed the night with Leorio telling Kurapika about where he grew up, a little village by the ocean miles from the nearest city. 

"Are you sure?" Leorio asked, though Kurapika had posed the question. The concern in Leorio's eyes — he wanted to keep it close to his heart, it ached. For all the ways Leorio was impulsive, there were hundreds more that he was thoughtful. 

"I wouldn't have asked if I was." 

That was all the encouragement Leorio needed to launch into a story, animated for someone whose gangly frame made him extra prone to falling out of the tree the two of them were perched on. 

"Well, there's six of us. We have a tiny house, run-down and passed down from my mom's mom, who lives with us, too, so I guess there's seven—"

"As a doctor, aren't you supposed to be good at math?"

"—Let me finish," Leorio sighed. Kurapika let a smile find its way onto his face. 

"Very well, continue." 

His companion grumbled but kept talking. "As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by someone else, seven of us were crammed into that house. But it's always felt like home: there was never a quiet moment, horrible for studying but great for feeling like you belonged somewhere. I was the oldest, so I was always taking care of everyone. That's where I started picking up first-aid skills. You get kinda handy with what you have when there's not much money to go around and your little siblings get hurt pretty often." 

"Anything serious?" 

Leorio hummed, thinking. "Not too much. Lots of scrapes, though Mariana — that's my youngest sister — broke her ankle once, and I remember I made a cast out of some scratch paper and cardboard and a couple of banana leaves. We didn't have enough money to go to the doctor," he said self-consciously. 

Kurapika's heart swelled. "That's something to be proud of." He realized what that could've meant and backtracked, embarrassed. "Not the having no money — I mean, not that being poor is something to be ashamed of —"

Leorio just watched him, laughing. "The serious Kurapika, so flustered. Never thought I'd see the day." 

Kurapika threw a leaf at Leorio, who threw one back. "You're going to reveal our cover."

"Local tall man very exposed. Who would've thought?"

"I will kill you." 

"I'd like to see you try, sunshine." 

That launched a leaf fight that went on for what felt like twenty minutes but could've gone for an hour, judging by the empty branches surrounding them by the time they'd tired out. Both of them were leaned up against the tree trunk, eyes drooping, the moon still high above them.

"Hey," Kurapika ventured, not sure if Leorio was awake and not sure if he wanted him to be awake. 

Leorio made a sleepy grunt. 

"I, uh." Gods, Kurapika, just say it, he scolded himself. "I had fun today."

There was an unbearable silence for a moment, silence that rang in Kurapika's ears and temporarily shut down any sound. 

Then: "I'm glad. It was nice seeing you smile. Like sunshine." 

Something in Kurapika felt stitched together when he heard that. He swallowed a lump in his throat and promised not to dwell on it. Instead, he leaned into their friendly rivalry, away from the weird sort of intimacy that accompanied their time alone on Zevil Island. 

He celebrated with Leorio and Gon when the three of them passed the Hunter Exam. He wore Gon's determination as a cloak when the three of them went to Kukuroo Mountain. 

He egged on Leorio when the two of them were training to open the Testing Gate. 

"Bet you can't carry more than me," he taunted, balancing two platters of heavy teacups on his arms while doing squats with the fifty-pound vest. Leorio stuck his tongue out, yelled about how Kurapika didn't know anything about him yet and he was going to show him how to pay respects to his elders, and proceeded to run carrying four chairs on his arms, the same vest on his chest. The contest continued in such a fashion that their training proceeded relatively quickly. 

More often than he liked to admit, Kurapika found himself admiring the way the sweat stuck to Leorio's face and the way the fabric of his suit clung to his increasingly defined shoulders. This was criminal, he thought, having these thoughts in the middle of everything. It was weakness. But he wanted to have it anyway and he let himself dream.

He wanted Leorio to be his first kiss. He let himself acknowledge that.

In the middle of the night, he turned to Leorio when he heard the other's snores, tried to quiet his thoughts by staring at Leorio's drool, and instead found himself focusing on Leorio's slightly chapped lips. He wanted to feel them against his own. Would they be soft? Would the dryness feel rough against his own lips, the same ones he pressed his fingers against in moments of weakness?

And he found himself worrying about Killua and Gon. Gon, for his bullheadedness, the way that he rushed into situations that would've fazed any other person and got pummeled, even as he came out on top. Killua, for how easily his reflexes kicked in and how he shrank as soon as he thought about Illumi. Gods, Kurapika understood exactly the impulse that had overtaken Leorio during the Hunter Exam when he threatened to go out on the floor and risk death just to break the hold Illumi had on Killua. He felt the same way.

Even still, the burgeoning attraction and friendship he was developing with Leorio was dangerous. The care he started to feel for Gon and Killua was, too. It was distracting him, another thing to think about beyond the parameters of his checklist: Become a Hunter, get intel on the scarlet eyes, exact revenge on the Phantom Troupe, collect all pairs of the scarlet eyes to lay his clan to rest. 

Nowhere in that was there room for someone else. There definitely wasn't a Leorio-shaped hole in that plan, much less space for Killua and Gon. 

So Kurapika refused to refer to the man as a "soulmate" in his mind. It was too fraught. But he allowed himself the luxury of allowing "friend" to be a word associated with Leorio and Killua and Gon. 

Gon worried about him in quiet moments, glancing over at Kurapika's eyebags as training and sleeplessness consumed his life. Even with one arm in a sling, he carried the twenty-pound teacups to Kurapika with his favorite, jasmine tea. 

"We can do it," he said, looking like nothing could faze him. Nothing did faze Gon, Kurapika thought with a swell of affection. He recognized that same steadfast commitment in himself.

Even if he didn't pick up on what Kurapika was giving an immense amount of thought to in the moment — his growing attachment to their motley party — he knew something was wrong and wanted to reassure Kurapika. Which he appreciated more than he could say; it reminded him of Pairo, just the slightest. The way the other boy knew how to quiet Kurapika's thoughts when they clouded his brain. 

And Kurapika acknowledged that he saw himself even more in Killua and the boy's refusal of affection, batting away Gon's earnest declarations of love and friendship with a flush and a "That's embarrassing!" But with everything, Gon would not be deterred. That reminded him of Leorio, his dogged dedication to taking care of all of them, the constant fussing about whether they had eaten and drank and slept. 

Killua pulled him aside before the four of them went their separate ways.

"So, the old man," he said, eyebrow raised knowingly. 

Leorio's protests that he was a teenager rang in Kurapika's head. 

"You're smiling," Killua pointed out. He smirked, then paused, gauging something. "I heard what you talked about at the Trick Tower. Get up to anything on Valentine's?"

Kurapika's eyes must've widened and flashed red. 

"Don't worry, I won't go around spreading it. Gon knows too. We both woke up from your conversation. Leorio isn't exactly quiet."

"Damn," Kurapika muttered under his breath. 

Instead of a response, Killua hiked up his shorts, revealing a mark on his inner thigh. "Hey, how old are you?" 

"First words I said to Gon," he said, shrugging. "Felt like finding something I didn't know I was looking for."

Kurapika restrained the urge to let his mouth drop open as things clicked in his head.

"It was strange, right?" he asked quietly. 

Killua laughed. "So strange." His eyes darkened, took on a haunted quality. "My family teased me about the soulmark. That's part of what Illumi said to me, back at the Hunter Exam. 'You don't have friends. Whoever your soulmate is, they will hate you.'" 

He looked over at Gon, who was explaining to Leorio how to use the fishing rod while the older teenager patched up the last of the wounds he'd gotten.

"But I don't think," he swallowed. "I don't think Gon could hate me."

Kurapika was struck by how young Killua looked in that moment. He looked, for once, like the twelve-year old he was. 

"That scares me." 

"Does he have your first words as his mark?"

Killua flushed. "Yeah. Yeah, he does. But we haven't talked about it yet."

"Leorio scares me, too," Kurapika confessed, quietly. His gaze found the same thing Killua's did, just settled on a different person. "He's too good for me."

You're all too good for me, a voice sounded in the back of his head. 

"Killua! Kurapika!" Gon cut into Kurapika's thoughts; he gave Killua a look as they walked over, feeling like some understanding was reached between them. Someone else understood what it felt like. 

It was enough, he thought as he gave Leorio, Gon, and Killua a hug goodbye. 

* * *

It wasn't enough: Kurapika was going to sob-laugh, knowing that the Phantom Troupe was so close yet so far. And these idiots, these incredibly earnest and naïve idiots (okay, the latter was probably mostly Gon) wanted to help him take them down. They would get killed in the process. 

It hurt to watch them running around and shoving pies in each other's face, but it reminded him they were just kids. And he wanted to protect them. 

But they were also his friends and their happiness made him feel a calm he hadn't felt for months. He couldn't stop the smile that rose to his lips, watching them chase each other and laughing. If he was being honest, it felt a little like coming home.

Then his phone rang.

"Guess who?" 

He would know that voice anywhere. "Leorio?" 

Months of learning Nen, of letting his anger bubble beneath the surface in a way he hadn't before, it all faded as soon as he heard the familiar husky rumble.

"I've been waiting, sunshine," he said, walking toward Kurapika. 

Killua mumbled something in front of him that sounded vaguely like an innuendo and Kurapika gave him a pointed look, which shut him up. 

For a moment, time froze. It was just the two of them and the rest of the park, the rest of the people, the rest of the breaths in his mouth, it all fell away.

It's you, he wanted to shout. It's you.

Then his senses smacked him back into reality. Business as usual, he reminded himself. 

But then he realized these three people had wormed their way under his skin. Gon clung to him on the way to the hotel, catching him up on what Killua and him had been up to, describing the scene in Heaven's Arena. Kurapika was content to listen while Gon talked. 

Killua was the one who pulled Kurapika aside, when Gon took a moment to go to the restroom.

"We got captured by the Phantom Troupe. We tried to tail them, but they caught us." He explained how they'd gotten past one of the spiders — Nobunaga — and Kurapika noticed the resignation and fear in Killua's eyes. It caught him off guard, shook him because it was almost haunted. No kid should look like that, understanding how out of their depth they were after getting roped into what was essentially a suicide mission. 

He resolved that he wouldn't bring them into this, again, but Gon insisted. He kept insisting until Kurapika realized there was some merit in letting them help because they'd seen the Phantom Troupe themselves. Part of his acquiescence was to stop Gon before he started begging and because he knew Gon would drag Killua into it anyway. Part of it was because he saw how determined Gon was and it melted him.

It hit him after he led the three of them to the hotel, confiding in them the secret behind his Nen chains. The Kurapika who started the Hunter Exam would have never told anyone about something as big as this, particularly because it hinged on the success of his goal to avenge his clan. He was no longer that person anymore and it scared him. 

Because while he was a person who was willing to let people in, he still had no mercy for the Phantom Troupe; he could empathize with the familial bond the Phantom Troupe shared, but he could never empathize with monsters who killed other people for the hell of it.

Yet as he buried Uvogin, knowing there was now someone's blood on his hands — someone who was part of a family — made him shake. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice whispered that Leorio would no longer want to be in his life; that this was the straw that would drive the people he was close to away. He was a killer, now, and he had made it his mission to kill. 

But when he returned to the hotel, shovel in hand and one spider down, Leorio met him with kind words and worry. He met him with a warm jacket and a cup of tea in his hand, noticing that the he'd stripped down to just his white underclothes, wrapped him in gentle questions about how he was doing. 

The question was on the tip of his tongue when Leorio asked it. 

"Are you worried that I think differently of you now?" 

Kurapika hesitated to answer, because he wanted to be honest. But he also knew Leorio would be offended if he said the truth: Yes, he was worried. Not just worried. Terrified. 

He couldn't meet his friend's eyes: what if he found nothing but disdain and disgust there, in lieu of the kindness always present in Leorio's gaze when he looked at everyone he met? The kindness Kurapika wanted to hold on to, no matter how much he felt he didn't deserve it?

The pause, however, was all Leorio needed to puff up, face red. "Well, you're wrong! I don't think differently of ya, because you're still Kurapika." He jabbed a finger at Kurapika's chest. "You've got your heart in the right place, I know ya do, and I know why you're doing this." 

"You are a good person," he continued, and the sheer sentiment behind his words made tears come to the forefront of Kurapika's eyes, much to his embarrassment.

"Hey, why are ya crying?" Leorio paused. "Aw, shucks. I'm so sorry, Pika — I don't have a tissue on me, but you can use my pocket square — here, hold on a second —" 

He wiped the tears from Kurapika's eyes. Heat blossomed where his fingers brushed Kurapika's face. Fueled by the adrenaline of the night and the exhaustion of holding back the feelings he'd started to develop for Leorio, he brushed Leorio's hand away. 

Before the other could protest, Kurapika pulled his tie down, went on tiptoes, and pressed his lips to Leorio's.

It was clumsy and unpracticed. But Leorio, ever Kurapika's mirror, adjusted quickly, slanted his head and closed his lips over Kurapika's. He tasted slightly of cigarettes and shitty hotel coffee. Kurapika hadn't known he was waiting for that taste in his mouth, the warmth of Leorio against him, for months and months until he felt it.

Leorio took the lead as usual, pulling him closer, running his thumb over Kurapika's still moist face. He forgot they were in a hallway; it was hard to think of anything beyond Leorio's lips, soft and eager. Leorio tangled his free hand in Kurapika's hair and it was all he could do not to let out a quiet moan when Leorio gently bit Kurapika's lips. 

"Leorio," he gasped. 

And then there was his phone, ringing — a call from Melody, an update. 

"I'm sorry," he said, stumbling back, the gravity of his actions hitting him full force. "I — I —"

"I understand," Leorio said, the saddest smile on his face. 

No, it's not you, Kurapika wanted to explain. It's me, it'll always be me, I'm so sorry that you were saddled with me as your soulmate, but the words died in his mouth. 

They didn't talk again, not really, until after his fever broke and he was getting ready to leave. Melody told him, in no uncertain words, that he needed to get his act together so he stopped scaring Neon every time he stepped into the room. He replied that he wasn't mopey, to which Melody raised an eyebrow and pointed at his heartbeat. 

He grumbled but asked Leorio to come to the airport with him, via text. It was a coward move, given that Leorio had just stepped outside for some fresh air while Kurapika changed out of the clothes he'd spent the past three days in. But he was too afraid to ask Leorio in person.

Fitting, he thought. He could face the Phantom Troupe without fear, just anger, coursing through him, and yet he couldn't face his sou — Leorio, he amended, head on.

"Thought you'd never ask," came the reply a minute later. Kurapika spent an inordinate amount of time trying to decode the message, whether it was Leorio flirting or if the other was mad at him or some combination of things, until Melody came back into the room with a laugh on her lips, telling him that she could hear his heartbeat from downstairs. 

"He has the kindest heartbeat in the city, you know," she said while Kurapika stared out the window, trying to refocus on his mission to collect the eyes. Because that was his priority. Scarlet eyes, not hazel ones.

"Mm," he said noncommittally.

"You two have similar heartbeats. Like a harmony."

His eyes jumped to Melody's and when she met them, he knew she knew the secret he'd been hiding from everyone but Gon and Killua: they were soulmates. 

* * *

Leorio knew he wanted more from Kurapika than he could give. He didn't need another clarifying conversation with his soulmate to realize that. 

He asked Melody to take care of Kurapika as the two of them left Yorknew.

"Of course," she said. "But he needs you, too. You balance him out, just as I do. I think there will be a time where Kurapika forgets that he has people who care for him. You can help him remember."

He decided to give Kurapika space, though. He saw the way the other shied from affection and recognized it in Killua, though with Kurapika it was a different story; he knew only slivers of Kurapika's childhood, but he gathered the other teenager wasn't a fan of rehashing the pain he'd felt then. After going through something like that, no wonder he didn't want to open up. Leorio understood that. 

But he was also full of so much care for other people that, no matter what he'd been through, he couldn't push it down. He cared about Gon, who was always getting himself into scrapes — he needed a full-time doctor, some part of Leorio whispered to him, and he would come back to them once he was one. He cared about Killua, wanted to ruffle the kid's hair even though he was an asshole who insisted that Leorio was a senior citizen, because he wanted to remind Killua that not everyone was like his shitty family. 

He cared about Kurapika so much it hurt. 

The space he gave Kurapika only lasted a week. 

This time was different from before; he had sent texts to Kurapika fairly often in the six months they were separated before Yorknew, but the lack of responses didn't bother him. He knew they'd all meet up in Yorknew and that Kurapika didn't break promises. 

But now, there wasn't a promise. Just a "So long" and radio silence from Kurapika's lips.

Get it together, Leorio, he reminded himself when his mind wandered to those lips. He spent a damn embarrassing amount of hours thinking about those lips. After the kiss, he hadn't slept for hours, laid in bed both elated and worried and electrified with want. He took care of himself with Kurapika's name in his mouth and the taste of his lips burned into his memory. 

That wasn't what Kurapika could give. But surely, Leorio hoped against hope, he could give Leorio his voice. His friendship, at the very least.

So in between studying for med school, he called. 

**November 12, XXXX**  
**Call from Leorio to Sunshine  
Received 3:30 p.m.**

> "Hey, Kurapika. I'd call ya sunshine, but I'm sure you're not gettin' a lot of it. You've gotta get some Vitamin D in your system, hear me? Anyway. Hope you're doin' well."

**December 14, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to Sunshine  
Received 8:09 p.m.**

> "Studyin' for med school is hard, Kurapika. Wish ya were here to yell at me when I get down on myself and tell me that I'm gonna be a good doctor. Call me back when ya get this?" 

**December 25, XXXX**  
**Call from Leorio to Sunshine  
Received 11:00 a.m.**

> "Yeah, so I'm pretty sure you're ignorin' these calls. That's okay, maybe you're not. I'm just gonna keep callin' and maybe you'll call me back one day. I sound like a stalker, ignore that."  
>  ...  
>  "Are you gettin' enough water? Sleep? Are you eating? Okay, probably not. But if you're listenin' to these, you better take care of yourself. Doctor's orders. Ha, ha, I mean almost-doctor's orders."  
>  ...  
>  "Don't wanna hear you correct me, so I'll do it myself. And I'm ramblin'. Okay, talk to you soon, Pika. Merry Christmas."

**January 27, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to Sunshine  
Received 6:07 p.m.**

> "Pika, I got a job as a receptionist at a clinic. I knew I had to tell ya as soon as I got the offer, it's not direct doctor work but I'm gettin' money while I study and it's a good deal, they're gonna teach me how to use Nen, and they promised that I could start tryin' to take care of patients."  
>  ...  
>  "I wish ya were here. Knowin' ya, you'd be in my clinic almost 24/7. 'Cause I'm irresistible. Just kiddin', ha, ha. It's 'cause you're so damn stubborn and ya do anything to avenge your clan."  
>  ...  
>  "I'm proud of ya. Is that weird to say? I dunno. Anyway, call me back."

**February 16, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to Green Machine  
Received 8:16 p.m.**

> "Gon, thought you'd wanna hear about my latest patient. I mean, not that I'm qualified to be takin' care of anyone. But I took care of you and Kurapika and Killua, so maybe that counts. But back to the story, yeah."  
>  ...  
>  "They were from Whale Island. I think they know you? Call me back, don't get into anythin' funny, I don't wanna see you banged up the next time we meet."  
>  ...  
>  "Say hi to Killua for me, the kid never answers his phone. He's as bad as Pi — Kurapika."

**March 5, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to Heartbeat Lady  
Received 10:04 a.m.**

> "Melody, how are ya? How's Pika? Ha, ha, yeah, sorry, straight to the punch. I'm worried about him. I mean, not that I'm not worried about ya, too. I know y'all get into some dangerous scrapes, so."  
>  ...  
>  "I hope ya have someone taking care of ya. And if ya ever need an almost-doctor, you've got my number." 

**April 4, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to Sunshine  
Received 12:00 a.m.**

> "Pika, don't be an idiot. Just wanted to remind ya. Call me back."  
>  ...  
>  "Oh, and happy birthday. Hope you take time off to celebrate. We miss ya."

**June 10, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to Sunshine  
Received 4:04 a.m.**

> "I miss ya, Pika. I'm drunk and this cigarette reminds me of the night we kissed. That's silly, I know. But I'd smoked one before I saw ya and now they make me think of ya, and I can't smoke anymore."  
>  ...  
>  "Oh, fuck, that's dumb, Leorio, stop goin' on and on. Just, if you get this — I'm bein' stupid. Just — I miss ya. I miss ya teasin' me about the way I eat my pizza and eggin' me on about how I'm not actually a doctor yet and laughin' at me when I trip over myself. It's not my fault I'm so damn tall, ya know that."  
>  ...  
>  "Alright, I'm gonna stop embarrassin' myself. Forget I called. Actually, don't forget. Call me back."  
>  ...  
>  "You probably won't."  
>  ...  
>  "But I keep thinkin' ya will. I hope you're safe, Pika."

**June 10, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to Green Machine  
Received 1:25 p.m.**

> "Gon, I did somethin' stupid. Yeah, I can already hear Killua tellin' me that that's nothin' new. But I — gods, I don't know why I'm tellin' ya this, but I just needed to tell someone and you're always willing to listen."  
>  ...  
>  "I kissed Kurapika. Well, that happened a long time ago."  
>  ...  
>  "But I want it to happen again. And I miss him, Gon, and he won't call back, and I know he's busy, he's always busy. But doesn't he have time for his friends? Are we his friends?"  
>  ...  
>  "I don't know what to do. I don't care if we kiss again, actually. I just wanna know he's safe, y'know? I mean, I called him and told him stuff, but it was embarrassin'. I don't wanna repeat it, but yeah. I guess — just text me. Or somethin'. I know you're busy, too."

**June 11, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to He Isn't Going To Call You Back  
Received 11:21 a.m.**

> "Hey, Pika. Gon said I shouldn't be embarrassed about what I sent ya that other night, but I am. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Hope ya weren't too bothered by it." 

Leorio found himself reaching for the phone every time it rang. He didn't have a lot of friends, so usually it was Gon. Sometimes, Melody. Right now, it was his mom.

"Mi cariño." Her voice washed over him, warm and familiar. It pricked his eyes with tears. "How is studying?"

"Mom," and his mouth moved without his permission. "I found my soulmate." 

Silence on the other line, for just a minute. He knew his mom could hear the way his voice broke on the last syllable. Mother's instinct, she would've called it. He wanted nothing more than to go home and hug her.

"Where is he?"

"Away." Gone, Leorio thought. He didn't know what was left of Kurapika. But he would care for it anyway.

"He hasn't been returning your calls, has he." 

Hearing someone else say it made Leorio want to curl up in a ball. He was a fool for hoping. He was a lovestruck dumb idiot who didn't have any common sense left in his brain.

"Mi cariño, you aren't an idiot." 

"You know me so well," he muttered, impressed that she could feel his self-deprecation over the phone.

"Maybe you should give it space," she said. "Wait to see if he calls you back."

"But what if he doesn't?" Leorio blurted out. It was a fear that gripped him every day, in the back of his mind, taking up the rest of his brain that wasn't stuffed with medical terminology and care for the community around him.

"Then he doesn't, mi amor. And you'll just have to make peace with that." 

After the call, he decided to go back home to remember what it was like to be taken care of, instead of taking care of other people. He asked for leave from the clinic and was granted a week. 

On the airship, he wondered again if Kurapika had someone caring for him. Someone who reminded him that he could still be taken care of, that he didn't have to be the only one responsible for caring for himself. He had a community, a tiny family with Melody, Gon, Killua, and him, and Leorio wanted so badly to slap that into Kurapika's head.

His mom's words rang in his head. "You'll just have to make peace with that."

He didn't know if he could accept that. He was every bit as stubborn as Kurapika, he knew, even if that focus wasn't applied to getting revenge. But maybe he needed to try to let go; he had a future ahead of him, without Kurapika but still full of people he loved. There was his family and his found family. They were all soulmates to him, even if the one he was linked to didn't want to be in his life.

**June 30, XXXX  
Call from Leorio to Stupid Idiot Who Won't Call Me Back  
Received at 3:03 p.m.**

> "Pika, I think maybe I should stop callin'. Maybe for a little bit. I don't actually know if you're gettin' these. I mean, your voicemail isn't full yet. So maybe ya have unlimited space or you're actually listenin' to these."  
>  ...  
>  "I dunno. I — fuck, Pika. I'm a little hurt, y'know? I thought we were friends. I thought friends answered each other's calls."  
>  ...  
>  "Is this because I said somethin' about the kiss? Pika, I don't care about that. I mean, I do. But that's not — I don't want that from you. Unless you want that."  
>  ...  
>  "Okay, Leorio, calm down. Breathe. Anyway. I don't know what you're up to. Melody says you're bein' reckless again and I'm worried about ya. But you probably think that's annoyin', huh. I'm sorry."  
>  ...  
>  "I'm still mad at ya."  
>  ...  
>  "But I still want ya to stay safe." 

Melody called him on the way back to the dingy apartment he'd been living in, a couple blocks' walk from the clinic. The week at home — the week not calling Kurapika — had done him well, refreshed him enough to feel a little like he had control over his mind again. 

"Kurapika was worried about you," she said, and Leorio felt his bones sing. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just needed a break," he said. "I didn't know if it mattered to him, y'know?" The unspoken sentence lay underneath his response. I didn't know if I mattered to him still, or even at all. 

"He cares more than he lets on," Melody said. "He just doesn't know how to express it."

"I wish he did," he grumbled. 

"Me too." It sounded like wind chimes on the other side of the line. "His heartbeat always slows to calm whenever he hears from you, Leorio. He still cares about you, much as he tries to push it away."

"Should I keep callin'?"

"Only you can decide that for yourself. But I think he would be...disappointed if you didn't."

Just then, a thump in the background. He swore he heard Kurapika's voice calling Melody from somewhere in the distance and his heart clenched.

"I have to go, Leorio. But I hope you think about what I said. Take care of yourself." 

Leorio stayed silent for a while, drumming his fingers on the table absentmindedly while he thought. He remembered what his mom had said, all those years ago. 

"Soulmates are made, not born. You find people who feel like home and you stick with them for as long as you can."

He thought about Melody, how she had become a home for him, a steady presence who not only checked on Kurapika but on him, Gon, Killua, even though they were miles apart. Her voice on the line, kind and calming, reminding him to breathe even though his thoughts were always a storm in his head threatening to choke him. 

He thought about Gon, the way the kid embodied sunshine. He wanted to punch that kid's deadbeat dad, no matter how brilliant of a Hunter he was and no matter how much space Gon still had in his heart for Ging. He remembered the defiance on his face whenever he faced some immovable obstacle. And he thought of Gon's simple goodness, how fitting it was for him to be an Enhancer when he enhanced every space he walked into.

He thought about Killua and his heart ached because he was so, so glad Killua was finally far away from his family. While he was punching Ging, he wanted to go ahead and punch everyone in Killua's family who'd hurt him. He wanted to show the kid all the affection he never got growing up, show him what it was like being part of a family again. 

And he thought about Kurapika. Beautiful, brilliant, distant Kurapika. Kurapika who looked at him like he was something precious, not to be ruined. Kurapika who looked at him with fear, that Leorio would think differently of him with blood on his hands and his mind. Kurapika who looked at him with scarlet eyes, breathless, after they pulled away from that kiss in Yorknew, gazes and hands still tangled against each other. 

Kurapika's kindness, so stubborn and unwilling to let others care for him because he was afraid of hurting them. 

And he picked up the phone. 

**July 10, XXXX**  
**Call from Leorio to Stupid Idiot I Still Care About  
Received at 4:04 p.m.**

> "Damn it. Pika. You know that we're not gonna stop carin' about you. Gon and Killua have been askin' about you and I don't know what to tell them, but they still say I should say hi from them."  
>  ...  
>  "I'm not gonna stop caring about you. And I know that's hard to hear, I know that — I know maybe you wish I was someone else. That your...your soulmate was someone different. But fuck that, fuck soulmates and whatever that means. We're friends."  
>  ...  
>  "I wanna be in your life, no matter what that looks like. And y'know, if that just means voicemails and fillin' up your voicemail box...I'm okay with that."

* * *

The voicemails came like clockwork. Kurapika had gotten used to them, the same way he got used to his heartbeat. Sometimes they found him right before bedtime, when he genuinely was too weary to reach for his phone and aching from travel. Sometimes they found him in the middle of one of his seemingly endless business meetings, whether that was a debrief from Nostrade or a meeting in a dark alleyway with an informant who had news on the scarlet eyes' or the Phantom Troupe's whereabouts. On rare occasions, they found him facing down a spider, eyes blazing and chains out, ready to take blood.

Kurapika grew to have a reputation besides being the chain user and a member of the mafia; he was the blond-haired shadow whose phone was constantly vibrating. Once, an informant asked him who was calling. Kurapika dismissed the question with a response to the man's previous question.

The informant wouldn't give it up. 

"Why can't you silence your phone?"

Kurapika's eyes flashed red and his gaze turned icy. "None of your business." The informant stepped away, hands up, now afraid. 

"Sorry, sorry." 

Kurapika rationalized it by explaining to himself that he needed his phone on in case the boss needed to reach him. He never knew when that would happen. If it so happened that he didn't silence Leorio's calls, that was simply coincidence.

Every night, he made time to listen to a voicemail. Sometimes he stored them up, usually when he was on the trail of a spider or a pair of eyes, just so he could hear the release — like coming home after a long mission. Sometimes, taking quick and fast showers on those trips, he allowed himself to imagine some suburban life. Instead of his path to avenge his clan, he would be teaching about Kurta history. His work as a professor could take him to different universities on different continents, but he would always have Leorio to come home to. 

Nightmares of his family, of returning to a burning city often haunted him, except on those nights he let himself imagine. There was no escape from his pain except the emptiness of the present.

Kurapika killed more spiders. Each stab was a reminder: He was here to take revenge, he was not someone who could be loved, anyone he cared for he needed to push away because the more spiders he killed, the more vicious the remaining ones became. 

He held people hostage, he threatened more people than he remembered, he brought people to the brink of death just to retrieve the pairs of eyes. Ten, twenty, thirty.

Leorio's voicemails began getting more doubtful. He could hear the tension in them. Leorio began hesitating before he asked Kurapika to call him back. The voicemails, though, didn't taper off. 

Until the week where Leorio didn't call. At first, he thought it was a fluke when Leorio missed a day. Then he missed the next one, then the one after that. He scowled so often that Neon told him she was worried about him and forced him to treat himself to a shopping trip because "it was just what he needed." 

Kurapika begrudgingly went shopping for himself; the Kurta tended to make clothes for themselves, so department stores were new terrain. Melody went with him, despite his multiple protests that she not endanger herself by associating with him — Nostrade noticed that he was stiffer and more defensive than normal and sternly ordered Melody to accompany him to the mall. 

They didn't talk on the way there or when exploring the stores. He was, truthfully, afraid. Because he knew Melody could see right through him and could hear his thoughts. He knew she called Leorio, even if infrequently, and he was almost terrified to ask if Leorio was alive. So he busied himself with rifling through different wares at different places and walked out with a few pairs of pants, a pair of joggers, a couple of sweatshirts, and a couple of turtlenecks. 

He didn't want to think about how much he missed Killua, how useful his input would've been for a trip like this. He was out of his depth. He heard Killua's voice in his head while pushing around clothes on the racks, taunting Leorio for his constant rotation of suits and looking, always, put-together in an outfit that probably included a turtleneck. Gon popped into the scene, too, nodding at everything Kurapika tried on and being absolutely no help in picking clothes. 

This was why he didn't do things like this. Eating pretzels at the food court — original for Melody, almond for him — hurt more; it struck him how incredibly, painfully mundane this was. Outwardly, he and Melody looked like two friends on a routine shopping trip. He was just a teenager back home from college, on the earlier end of 20, thinking about how Auntie Anne's should expand beyond food courts and grateful to see a familiar face. 

"He's still alive," Melody mentioned through a mouthful of a pretzel. 

"Mm." 

"He's hurt, Kurapika."

"Is he being taken care of?" 

"Not like that." She placed a hand over his, gingerly. He moved his gaze away from hers and put his hands in his lap. "He doesn't think you care about him." 

"I do," he said, but the words sounded weak and tinny to his ears. 

"You need to show him, Kurapika. He's losing faith."

"Is that such a bad thing?" Kurapika looked down at his hands, fiddled with his chains. "I don't want him close to me."

"Let people care about you." 

"No. They'll just get hurt. I've already told you, it's too dangerous."

"I understand. But Kurapika, you can't control other people. Some people — like me — think it is worth the risk to care for you."

He bit his lip so hard that he tasted blood. Tears welled up in his eyes anyway and he clenched his fist, pretzel forgotten in its wrapper. 

"Don't. Please," he whispered, the word an urgent plea. 

"You can't control other people," she repeated. He heard the steel in her voice and it wedged itself into his thoughts all the way back to the hotel. They settled into the same tense silence that had surrounded them on the walk away from the hotel, and as soon as he entered his room, Kurapika began drafting a message to Leorio. It joined the others in his notes app, all in response to Leorio's rambling, episodic voicemails. 

**June 30, XXXX**

> ~~_leorio, please stop calling me_~~ _fuck, leorio. please keep calling me_

**June 11, XXXX**

> _leorio_
> 
> _leorio, i'm sorry_
> 
> _leorio, i_

**April 4, XXXX**

> _i wish i was celebrating my birthday with you_

**January 27, XXXX**

> _leorio, i'll be your patient_

**January 1, XXXX**

> _happy new year, leorio_

**December 25, XXXX**

> _leorio, how are you_

He fell asleep with his phone in hand, the drafts all unsent. The next morning, he woke up to a voicemail from Leorio. And the voicemails continued, fewer than before — not every day, now, but they still came through. They didn't taper off more than that; Leorio was still blustery and effusive, the hesitance in his earlier voicemails either better masked or less present. 

He wished the voicemails would stop coming. 

He really didn't want them to. 

Then: It was in broad daylight, no clouds marring the blue sky, when he killed the last spider and retrieved the last pair of scarlet eyes. It was, he reflected, incredibly anticlimactic. The rage and adrenaline that flooded his mind whenever he faced off against a spider had faded back to the emptiness he was used to, now tinged with fear he didn't want to acknowledge, now that he was at the close of his mission. He tucked them into his messenger bag, which he had long conjured to hold more than it let on, and got in a car headed to the airport. His phone laid heavy in his pocket. 

On the airship to the Lukso Province, he listened again to Leorio's last voicemail. And he opened up the notes app on his phone, then closed it. Instead, he opened up his text messages; no drafts this time.

**February 14, XXXX  
kurapika to almost-doctor (6:09 p.m.)**

> _leorio, i'm alive. i'm almost done._

* * *

When Leorio looked up from his textbook, the room blurred into a vague tapestry of human anatomy, he was ready to crash on the couch for a power nap. But then he checked his watch and let out a loud "Fuck," realizing he was late. 

He grabbed his keys from the counter of his slightly-less-dinky apartment, an upgrade courtesy of Gon, Alluka, and Killua moving in with him, and rushed into his car. It was rush hour in Yorknew, and the city was hell to drive in already, which was annoying given how late he was. He cursed at some driver who made an abrupt lane change, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.

"Damn kid, can't get his boyfriend to give him a ride," he muttered, but it wasn't really angry. To be fair, Killua hadn't gotten a driver's license yet, but a Hunter License could work wonders, meaning the kid already had a shiny black Mini Cooper he adamantly would not let anyone make fun of. 

He and Gon had finally gotten their shit together a couple months ago and confessed they like-liked each other. That was no thanks to him and Alluka masterminding them into a room alone after they gave Gon and Killua, respectively, pep talks. Killua came out with more ruffled hair, looking like red was glued to his face as he held Gon's hand in his. Alluka and Leorio had celebrated with shit-eating grins that resulted in Killua glaring furiously at Leorio, though it lacked its usual punch given how happy Gon and him looked. 

And Killua had been busy after starting electrical engineering classes at the University of Yorknew. Much to no one's surprise, the fifteen-year-old was a genius who'd been able to skip high school, and he took to the college classes like an assassin to killing. 

Gon, however, for all his instincts, was decidedly not an academic genius. Both he and Alluka were in high school, Gon a junior and Alluka a first-year. Leorio let out a chuckle, thinking about the first time Gon came home with a pre-calculus test with red marks all over it, whining to Killua about how math was the hardest subject ever and he was going to quit school and go back to adventuring. 

It was strange, this life he was living, Leorio mused. The Hunter Exam was only three years ago, but it felt like lifetimes had passed since he had set out on that boat and met Gon and Kurapika. 

His thoughts strayed, as they usually did when he was alone, to Kurapika. He wondered where the other was, if he would see him soon. After his status update six months ago, he hadn't texted Leorio. They had slipped back into the asymmetrical contact they had before that text. Leorio left voicemails that Kurapika didn't respond to. 

He got half as much ribbing from Killua as he thought he would and chalked it up to understanding; he knew how tough the separation between him and Gon had been on both of them. When they showed up at his door, a year older than when they left, he noticed how reluctant they both were to let the other out of their sight.

Leorio understood, because he would've done the same if Kurapika ever came back to see him. Which he was losing hope about. Frankly, Leorio was a little pissed. He was glad Kurapika was alive, but he thought the guy had finally learned about the marvels of texting and calling. Apparently, he had a shit memory, because it was back to silence. 

He shook the thoughts out of his head and pulled into the high school pick-up line, where Gon and Alluka were waving, and they hopped into his car without any hesitation.

"Leorio, can we go get Killua first?" 

The university was walking distance from Leorio's apartment, so he turned to Gon, confused. "Sure, but what for?"

Gon had a grin on his face that meant he was hiding something. Leorio narrowed his eyes at the boy. 

"Gon." 

"It's a secret!" Alluka chirped. Great, so she was in on the secret, too. He facepalmed.

"You're gonna be late to work."

"I already texted Bisky," he said breezily. 

"It's not anyone's birthday, is it?" 

"Just drive, Dad." That did it. Leorio was weak to anyone calling him Dad, and Alluka was no exception; she had him wrapped around her pinky finger, as unfair as it was. 

Killua grumbled about him not being their dad because that would mean him and Gon were siblings, and they didn't do things siblings did, to which Gon shut him up with a kiss on the lips. It was a fun car ride, beyond the hum of worry stuck in the back of his head.

The kids all but pushed him out of the car as soon as he pulled up to the building Gon said Killua's last class of the day was. He slouched in the hallway, waiting for Killua to get out — he'd rarely been to this side of campus and usually wore a suit to every class he attended. The Yorknew University shirt and slightly baggy jeans he'd rushed out of his apartment wearing made him self-conscious. Even though he was no longer poor, he couldn't shake the old fear that people would point at him and tell him he wasn't supposed to be there. 

To stop his train of thoughts, Leorio checked his watch again. 3:10. Suddenly a stream of people rushed out of class; they all looked much younger than him and Leorio questioned whether he was actually a senior citizen. There wasn't any silver-haired teenager to be found, though. 

He waited for a moment. Then he heard Killua before he saw him.

"Idiot, I'm trying to help you." 

That wasn't Killua's voice, he realized belatedly. And he'd heard that same exact voice, smooth, exasperated, secretly full of care, once before. 

Heart pounding, he poked his head into the classroom and saw, above Killua's silver hair, Kurapika. He saw Kurapika's eyes grow wide and scarlet when he met them with his own, falling silent.

He felt like he'd seen a ghost. 

"Surprise?" Killua grinned. 

Leorio turned and walked out of the classroom. "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit," he muttered to himself. He couldn't place what he was feeling. Okay, start at the beginning, he coached himself. He was embarrassed to be seen like this, in this T-shirt that probably made him look ratty and unkempt, oh, gods, he was like that anyway, and fuck, he was angry at Kurapika, still, because he still looked infuriatingly good but he also hadn't talked to Leorio in six months and that wasn't counting the two-year span he never thought to talk to Leorio and—

He felt a hand on his arm. 

"Hi," Kurapika ventured. His voice, Leorio noticed, was slightly shaky.

Leorio wanted to run, but his feet felt frozen to the ground. He swallowed, tried to regain some semblance of control of himself.

"Hi," he said. 

"Funny meeting you here," and there was a ghost of a smile on his face, and Leorio felt the anger and hurt come rising up to the surface.

"Ha, ha, very funny. Funny how you suddenly show up, ready to come back and talk to me, after what? Two and a half, three years?"

"You know what I was doing."

"Yes," Leorio allowed, teeth clenched. "But you texted me after, and then you couldn't find it in you to text me for the next six months?"

"I wanted to do it alone." Kurapika mirrored Leorio's stance. "You realize it was like a funeral for me, right?"

"I know." He felt himself softening, but as much as he wanted to pretend it wasn't there, looking at Kurapika still made him hurt. "But it still hurt, Kurapika, y'know? We missed ya. You're our friend." 

Was it him, or did Kurapika look disappointed that he hadn't used the nickname? Hadn't called him Pika? Maybe he was being too hopeful. 

"I didn't have space to let myself miss you." 

"That's bullshit," Leorio muttered, letting his anger wash over him again. He bit his tongue to keep from yelling that he didn't just have all the time in the world to moon over Kurapika. Still. Maybe he was a hypocrite. He'd always set aside time for it like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Why don't you go on a quest for revenge and we'll see how you do?"

"I'm not stupid, I let people take care of me!"

"Don't you care about them getting hurt?"

"I've always cared about the people I love getting hurt!" 

Leorio realized, belatedly, that tears had sprung to his eyes. He also realized he'd said love. Kurapika looked stricken and took a step back.

"I didn't mean — I'm so sorry, Leorio, I didn't mean it, I'm so sorry —"

"Not in the hallway, Mom and Dad," Killua called from the room. Both Leorio and Kurapika whipped their heads to glare at him, and the mirrored action loosened just a little bit of the tension, enough so they could both breathe again.

"Killua, let's go," Leorio said. Exhaustion was starting to tug at him; there were too many emotions wanting to be felt inside him and he just needed to reset his brain and sleep.

"Let me give you my email," Kurapika said, grabbing his arm. "Please. I am sorry, Leorio." He sounded desperate, eager, and Leorio was weak. But he was also proud, and he and Killua walked out the school without another look back.

He fixed Gon, Killua, and Alluka with his best "I am your dad and upset at what you've done here today" look as soon as Killua and him got into the car. 

"Leorio, I'm sorry," Killua mumbled. "I didn't want it to hurt you." 

Leorio sighed. The mess between him and Kurapika wasn't his fault and the kids didn't deserve to have it taken out on them. 

"Kid, it's okay." He reached over to ruffle Killua's hair, despite the other's protests. "Sometimes, life just doesn't work the way you think it will."

That night, though, Leorio's phone buzzed right as the clock hit midnight.

**November 12, XXXX  
Stupid Idiot I Still Care About to Leorio (12:00 a.m.)**

> _scarleteyes@gmail.com_
> 
> _you don't have to use it, but i wanted you to have it. i really am sorry, leorio. i don't have words for it, but please, grab coffee with me. i'll pay. not a date._

He pretended it didn't hurt to see those last three words. He inhaled and sent a text back, because he was proud, but he was also weak. At least this wasn't in front of the kids.

**November 12, XXXX  
** **Leorio to Stupid Idiot I Still Care About (12:02 a.m.)**

> _10 a.m. tmro? There's a coffeeshop near the university_
> 
> _I mean, tmro as in later today_

Leorio didn't expect a response. But it came, minutes later. 

**November 12, XXXX  
** **Stupid Idiot I Still Care About to Leorio (12:10 a.m.)**

> _i'll be there._

Thankfully, Killua dropped off Alluka and Gon the next morning, since Leorio had fallen asleep on his textbooks again. There was a sticky note on his head when he woke up that read "Old man, get some sleep. Took Gon and Alluka to school." 

Leorio stared at his closet hoping it would reveal the secrets of fashion to him for an hour; he didn't want to ask Killua for advice, because the kid would just tease him endlessly and he wasn't ready to admit to anyone that he was going to give Kurapika another chance to start over. Even if Gon and Killua and Alluka would all be excited. He wanted it to be his secret for the moment. 

Eventually, he heaved a sigh and grabbed the suit he'd worn during the first Hunter Exam. He'd filled out a bit since then, but it still worked on him. He stood looking at his reflection, thinking. 

Then he took off the suit jacket, because he wasn't the person Kurapika had known all those years ago. Meeting him as if he was didn't make sense. Instead, he pulled on the pair of jeans that Killua had gotten him once he got into med school and shrugged on a light blue button-up. 

When he got to the coffeeshop, it didn't take him a long time to locate the blond, who was wearing a black turtleneck and his trademark scarlet earring, hair pushed behind his ears, sipping from a coffee cup while reading a book. 

The last time he'd seen his friend — using it to refer to Kurapika felt strange again — Kurapika had looked much smaller, eyebags a permanent fixture on his face, a haunted look in his eyes. He'd forgotten how strong Kurapika was, given how frail he'd come to look. 

But now, he looked comfortable. Less heavy, more at peace. He'd gained some weight and dropped the eyebags, looking more like a person than a skeleton. His eyes, lined with black eyeliner and winged out sharply, had the same focus they did before, but less of the sting. The new outfit, not the Kurta traditional wear, suited him, the turtleneck hugging his slim frame and muscles. 

In the glow of the late morning, Kurapika shone. He hurt to look at and Leorio sucked in a quick breath before walking over to say hi and put down his briefcase before ordering. When he got there, though, he found a coffee already waiting in front of him.

Kurapika startled a little in his seat when he saw Leorio. It was adorable, Leorio thought. Then he groaned internally. Keep it in your pants, Leorio. You're still hurt. 

"I ordered you a black coffee," Kurapika explained when he put away his book, sounding bashful. "I didn't know if you still took it black, but I took a chance." 

"Thanks," Leorio said, touched. "Yeah, I still take it black."

* * *

Kurapika was going to die. He had faced down cold-blooded killers and mafia bosses and he still couldn't meet Leorio in the eyes. Leorio didn't have to look so good for a morning meeting. Yes, Kurapika had prepared his clothes the night before after furiously looking through his closet and acting like he was pulling cards from a tarot deck, waiting for the perfect outfit to reveal itself. 

But in the moment, about to have a conversation with Leorio for the first time in years, he no longer felt pulled together. Leorio looked stunning. Radiant. Incredibly, breathtakingly handsome. The button-up's sleeves were rolled up, revealing defined forearms that Kurapika swore had grown even bigger and defined since the last time they'd met. He'd tanned more, bringing out the brown specks in his hazel eyes. His eyebags had grown bigger, but he looked more at ease with himself when no one was looking — someone aware of his worth. 

Kurapika reflected bitterly that he had probably been the person to make Leorio question his worth the most. 

Maybe this was a mistake, he thought, fighting the urge to run away while yelling "Sorry" at Leorio for the umpteenth time. He didn't want to hurt Leorio again.

His phone buzzed with a text from Melody. 

**November 12, XXXX  
melody to kurapika (10:05 a.m.)**

> _I can hear your heartbeat from here. You'll be okay. Just be honest._

**November 12, XXXX  
kurapika to melody (10:05 a.m.)**

> _i can't believe you can hear me from two buildings over._

> _but okay. yeah. you're right._

**November 12, XXXX  
kurapika to melody (10:06 a.m.)**

> _I've always been right._

Kurapika decided not to dignify that very right text with an answer. Instead, he took a deep breath and steadied himself. Stop looking at your phone, idiot, he scolded himself, and fixed his gray eyes on Leorio's hazel ones. 

"How," he began. Then, much to his embarrassment, he felt a lump in his throat. He slid his eyes away from Leorio's. Fuck. He'd messed up so badly. He didn't even know how to begin again. 

"How are—" And there it went. The tears. He felt his face heating up, his eyes grow moist with regret and frustration, all the words he'd wanted to say to Leorio that he hadn't. His eyeliner was starting to smudge, fuck. And in public, too. Upset, he wiped away his tears and pushed out the words.

"How are you, Leorio?"

He couldn't look at him and kept his eyes to his latte, focusing on a stray bubble so the stupid tears would stop building. He knew his hands were shaking against the warmth of the cup and gods, this was a mistake, Leorio would never want to see him again —

Then he felt a gentle press on his hand. 

"Hey," Leorio said. "It's okay."

"But it's not okay," Kurapika mumbled through tears and snot. "I hurt you. I was...I was wrong to shut you out, Leorio. You sent me so many voicemails and you never stopped calling and I," he hiccuped, "I don't deserve you."

He was afraid to meet Leorio's eyes, but Leorio tilted his head up gently so they were looking at each other. 

"Pika, you are somethin' else. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think this wasn't worth tryin' to recover." 

Kurapika stubbornly pushed his head down again, this time into his arms, to stop the newest wave of tears from coming. His eyeliner, unfortunately, was a goner.

"Idiot, I'm trying to help you. But I guess if ya wanna have a conversation like this, I can meet ya where ya are." 

Then Kurapika heard the dull thunk of something hitting the table. He peeked over his arms and saw Leorio in the same position he was, then flushing, buried his head back into his arms.

"You can't just do things like that," he mumbled into his arms. Underneath his turtleneck, he felt his soulmark pulse. 

"Everyone deserves people who care for them, Pika." 

"I don't want to be a burden."

"You never gave anyone else the chance to carry that burden," Leorio continued. "Pika. I'll care for ya." 

"It's so much work, Leorio." He unearthed his head, rested it on his forearms. "I am far from perfect. I have scars that not you or anyone else can put back together. I have killed people. I still see their faces in my dreams. I — you know that I'm hopeless at letting people care for me. I'm worried I'll hurt you again."

"It's not too much work." 

He stared defiantly at Kurapika. With a jolt, he realized why the look was so familiar: he'd seen it on Gon's face, Killua's face, Melody's face, and again and again on Leorio's. All of them, breaking down his walls and refusing to let him think he was uncared for. Even when he tried to stop it. 

"Not to me." Then, softly. "Not if it's ya." 

"I'm scared," Kurapika confessed. 

"Me too," Leorio said. 

"I don't want to ruin anything."

"You're assumin' we have somethin' to ruin." 

Leorio wore a cheeky smile on his face and it made Kurapika's chest blossom with warmth. He rolled his eyes and clutched the offending part of the chest dramatically. 

"Leorio, you wound me." 

"Ya wounded me, too," he said quietly, eyes still trained on Kurapika's face. He knew the other man had seen his face fall. "I worried about ya, so much. Melody didn't always know where ya were. She's great, y'know. Alluka loves her — oh, ya don't know who Alluka is, she's Killua's sister, they live with us now, it's a long story. Maybe not that long." Leorio self-consciously rubbed a hand behind his neck, stretching. "I mean, that's not the point. I just wanted to know ya were okay, more than anythin'."

"I remember," Kurapika said, almost a whisper. "That voicemail."

Leorio's eyes grew. "Shit, ya listened to them? I didn't expect that." 

Kurapika winced, but he wasn't surprised. How was Leorio to know that? He cleared his throat and took a sip of the coffee, which had started to grow cold. 

"I, uh. I listened to all of them. And you always mentioned that you wanted me to stay safe."

"Oh." Leorio looked dazed. Kurapika kept going, gathering his courage. 

He opened his phone and slid it over to Leorio, opening up the texts he'd drafted in his notes app. Leorio's eyes widened as he swiped through the hundreds of texts and confessions written there. He wondered how much time Leorio would spend on the most recent ones, written over the course of the past week:

**November 10, XXXX**

> _killua, i'm terrified. do you think this is a good idea? can i see him? do you think that_

**November 9, XXXX**

> _leorio, i don't know if this is still your number. it probably is. fuck. i don't know what to say_

**November 8, XXXX**

> _can we try again?_

**November 7, XXXX**

> _leorio you are the best person i've ever met i'm drunk and i love_

**November 6, XXXX**

> _melody, i don't know what to say to him. how do i ask_

"I remember the voicemail where you said you just wanted to be in my life. No matter what that looked like, even if it was just voicemails."

Kurapika held his breath and forced the words out. 

"Do you still want that, Leorio?" 

Leorio looked up from the phone. Instead of an answer, Leorio reached out to take his hand. 

"I do." Then he laughed. Kurapika swatted him. "Pika, we need to get drunk together. I really wanna know what you're like when you're wasted." 

"It's not pretty," he grumbled. "Melody had to drag me out of the room next morning because I was lying in bed with a pounding headache."

"Now ya have an in-house doctor to help with that," Leorio said, puffing out his chest. Panic settled over his face. "Wait, I don't even know what you're doing right now or if ya even live in Yorknew —"

"I think you mean in-house almost-doctor," Kurapika chuckled. It felt good. He'd forgotten how easy it was to talk to Leorio, how nourishing it was to be in the warmth of the other person. In the warmth of his soulmate. 

Leorio threw a napkin at him. Kurapika let a smile stretch across the width of his face, remembering their leaf fight back on Zevil Island. He held up his arms in mock-surrender to prevent a barrage of napkins and the wrath of the coffeeshop workers.

"I do live in Yorknew, yes. I'm studying to be a history teacher right now; that's why you saw me with Killua. Or rather, how Killua found me."

"So ya didn't tell anyone you were here?"

Kurapika hesitated. Be honest, Melody's voice rang in his head. "Melody knew. So did Killua and Gon. I moved in August, so about three months ago." 

Recognition flickered in Leorio's eyes. "That's why they surprised me. I can't believe they tried to set me up." 

"It's not really a set up if it's your soulmate," Kurapika deadpanned, then flinched. It was his first time saying the word out loud, much less to Leorio, without shying away from it. 

But Leorio didn't make a big deal of it, just moved on to asking him where he lived in Yorknew. When he said he lived in the complex a couple of blocks from the university, Leorio seemed to choke on his coffee. 

"The one with the exposed brick?"

"There's so many of them, you'll have to be more specific." 

"Ha, ha. The one sandwiched between the pizza place and the barbershop? Because I live there. With Killua. And Gon. And Alluka."

Kurapika almost spit out the sip of coffee he just took. 

"You're kidding."

The megawatt smile Leorio gave him could've powered the entire coffeeshop. "Nope."

"I guess you are an in-house almost-doctor then." He dipped his head, trying to hide his smile. How funny it was, that they were right next to each other for however many months without even knowing. How similar they were, stumbling over themselves and falling into step right next to each other, no matter how far he tried to push Leorio apart. 

"What?" Leorio looked self-conscious. "You're starin'."

"Uh," Kurapika said eloquently. "Just thinking about how coincidental it all is." 

"Not about how attractive I am?"

That earned Leorio a glare. "Don't flatter yourself." And that landed another napkin thrown at Kurapika's face.

They passed the rest of the morning — and the first hour of the afternoon — catching each other up on the past three years, both silencing their phones and deciding their classes could wait until tomorrow. Kurapika learned that Leorio was about to adopt a cat when Killua, Gon, and Alluka had shown up at his door and that he instead settled for feeding the strays by the apartment. He soaked in the sensation of hearing Leorio's full-throated laughs in person, not just through the phone marred with static and distance. Leorio told him about the most frustrating textbook he'd had to read when he was studying to get into med school, trying and failing to imitate the diagrams with flailing hands. 

Kurapika laughed more than he had in ages. He told Leorio, haltingly, that he started therapy, to which Leorio smiled so big that his face looked close to breaking. He told Leorio about the less gruesome parts of his job, the moments where him and Melody would bond over how frustrating Neon's naivete could be. He talked about the thrill of yanking eyes out of a couple of art museums, quick and easy jobs that made Leorio look at him like he was the coolest person in the world. 

He still didn't deserve it, but he would work to, Kurapika resolved. He would work to be better.

"Don't be a stranger, Pika. Your family misses you," he said, indiscreetly showing his lockscreen — a picture of him, Gon, Killua, Alluka, Melody smiling, with Kurapika photoshopped onto a spare piece of cardboard. 

Kurapika felt lighter than he had in months leaving the coffeeshop with a promise to text Leorio and meet him for coffee the same time next week. 

**November 12, XXXX  
kurapika to almost-doctor (11:40 p.m.)**

> _i had fun today. thank you._

**November 12, XXXX  
Leorio to Stupid Idiot I Still Care About (11:45 p.m.)**

> _Anytime. U know where to find me if ur bored_

**November 13, XXXX  
kurapika to almost-doctor (12:00 a.m.)**

> _text like a normal person  
>  _

**November 13, XXXX  
Leorio to Stupid Idiot I Still Care About (1:27 a.m.)**

> _U text in all lowercase what do u mean_

**November 13, XXXX  
kurapika to almost-doctor (1:30 a.m.)**

> _go to sleep, leorio_

**November 13, XXXX  
Leorio to Stupid Idiot I Still Care About (1:35 a.m.)**

> _Im studying_

**November 13, XXXX  
kurapika to almost-doctor (1:36 a.m.)**

> _study sleep_

**November 13, XXXX  
Leorio to Stupid Idiot I Still Care About (1:40 a.m.)**

> _Thought I was supposed 2 be the 1 nagging_

**November 13, XXXX  
kurapika to almost-doctor (1:42 a.m.)**

> _i'm not nagging, merely suggesting_

> _good night, leorio_

**November 13, XXXX  
Leorio to Sunshine (1:47 a.m.)**

> _Gn, pika :)_

Kurapika went to sleep hugging his phone against his chest. If anything, Leorio was a friend. He was family. Anything more than that would be too much, he told himself. 

But still, that kiss from years ago made its way into his dreams that night. He woke up wet and wanting.

* * *

They didn't talk about a relationship for the next few months. 

Leorio reminded himself that "soulmate" didn't mean "person you are in love with" and could mean "person who feels like home." He was hesitant to cross boundaries because he knew he could be overpowering in his want. 

While they spent increasing amounts of time together studying at Leorio's apartment, they both steered clear of the "dating people...what if that was us?" topic. 

He was scared to say anything, anyway. He held each moment that he got to spend with Kurapika close, like they were making up for lost time. He learned that they were both shitty home cooks. The first time Kurapika came over and their studying went through dinnertime, he saw that Leorio saved money with his ten varieties of instant ramen and frowned. 

"Aren't you a doctor? Shouldn't you be setting a good example?"

"It's cost-efficient, sunshine," he grumbled. "I work out."

"That's not the point and you know it." 

"Okay, then make somethin' healthy for us to eat." 

Kurapika opened the door to the fridge, peered inside, and pursed his lips.

"You don't have any vegetables in the fridge."

"What were ya gonna make?"

Kurapika paused, sheepish. "Uh. Salad?"

That got Leorio to double over laughing. 

"You don't know how to cook to save your life, don't ya?"

"I can cook pasta," Kurapika pouted. Leorio took a mental picture of it to swoon over later. 

"You can learn to cook," Alluka suggested. Kurapika's face lit up when he noticed the resemblance to Killua.

"You're Alluka, right? Leorio's told me all about you."

"Good things, right? Because if not, I have a lot of blackmail on the old man."

Leorio sputtered. "Alluka—"

"I'm kidding, Dad." She patted his arm and he ruffled her hair. Alluka made a sound similar to Killua's grunt of annoyance when he did the same thing to Killua's hair. "But yeah, Kurapika. You two should learn to cook. Because then we don't have to keep eating instant ramen."

She all but pranced out of the room before Leorio could grab a package of ramen to throw at her. 

"I like her," Kurapika said. 

"Yeah, me too." 

Seeing him look unguarded, more relaxed than Leorio was used to, made him feel protective. He didn't ever want Kurapika to feel like he had to protect himself. Not that he wasn't capable of it, Leorio amended. But he just wanted his friend to be able to find peace, no matter how far he went from it.

Leorio wasn't Gon, but he thought he was pretty decent at reading people. Unfortunately, that skill went straight out of the window when he was with Kurapika. He found himself analyzing each look Kurapika gave him, especially late at night when Gon and Killua and Alluka were in their room and it was just him and Kurapika on their couch. He wondered if each text held a thinly-veiled plea that boiled down to "let's date already." When Kurapika didn't come over to study some nights, the possibility that he was kissing someone else and taking them out to fancy restaurants with forks Leorio didn't know how to use haunted him. 

He wouldn't ask Kurapika, but the teens, apparently, didn't mind bugging him. 

"Kurapika, can you help me with my math homework?"

"He's a history major, Gon —"

"Leorio, watch the master work." Kurapika rolled up the sleeves of the sweater he was wearing. Killua and Leorio snorted in tandem.

"You're so full of yourself."

"Are you full of anyone?" Gon asked, innocently. Leorio's eyes widened and he mouthed to Killua, "Did you put him up to this?"

Killua shrugged, but there was a devious glint in his eyes. "Who knows," he mouthed back. Leorio threw up the middle finger and let out a small huff.

Kurapika, meanwhile, looked flustered. "Uh, Gon. Who taught you that?"

"That's what we talked about in sex education!"

Killua put a hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking in silent laughter, as if to say "See, it wasn't me at all, old man." 

Leorio contemplated disappearing, possibly running out the window. 

"If you must know," Kurapika said awkwardly, "No, I'm not seeing anyone." 

And then Leorio was fully back in the room, ready to leap up and pump his fist in the air. He settled for a dignified smile and got elbowed by Alluka next to him, who looked at him knowingly. Kurapika, thankfully, didn't seem to notice the way Leorio lit up when he heard that. 

As the weeks passed, he toyed with the idea of asking the teens to help him decode Kurapika. They'd already helped him figure out whether or not Kurapika was single, though it hadn't been for him. Unless it had, in which case Leorio had to buy them all an ungodly amount of chocolate. 

It was one of the nights when he was close to breaking that Killua found him, bleary-eyed and staring down a bowl of cornflakes that had gone soggy, textbook open next to him but abandoned. 

"I can hear you thinking from here, senior," Killua grumbled.

"I'm not that old," he said, but it didn't have the usual energy. 

"Why don't you just ask him what's up?"

"I don't wanna push him," Leorio said. "I don't wanna ruin our friendship." 

Uncharacteristically serious, Killua leaned against the countertop, hands in his pockets. "I felt the same way about Gon. You know we're soul mates, right?"

Leorio had always suspected, but this was the first time it had been confirmed for him. 

"I was happy just being friends with him, but I also knew I was starting to want more by the time we separated at World Tree. And yeah, I probably would've kept it a secret forever if it wasn't for you and Alluka," he admitted reluctantly, "but I'm glad that I said something."

"I just want him to be happy," Leorio said glumly.

"Old man, you're losing your sight," Killua said. "If you can't see the way Kurapika's face shines when you walk into the room, I don't know what to tell you." 

With that, he left the kitchen and left Leorio alone to his thoughts. 

* * *

Leorio was exhausted when he got home. The clinic had added extra hours onto his shifts now that he was more actively helping with patients (over-the-table work, finally) and he was starting to feel it; he dropped his keys on the counter and all but collapsed on the couch. He was about to doze off when he felt a hand tug at his sleeve.

"Mm."

"Leorio, I need your help! Something's wrong with Kurapika." 

Those were the four magic words. Leorio felt a chill shoot down his spine. 

"Where is he?"

"We brought him to your room because he said he didn't want to bother you at work." The worry in Gon's eyes matched the panic swelling in Leorio's chest. Standing up so quickly that the blood rushed to his head and made the world tilt, he crossed the floor to his room in four strides and flung open the door. Please let him be okay, please let him be okay, Leorio chanted to himself, and then blinked when he didn't hear labored breathing besides his own.

Kurapika was sitting on the bed. Unharmed. 

"Huh?" 

A sizzle, crack, and the electricity went off in the room. The external lock clicked into place.

"Killua," Leorio grumbled. 

"This is an intervention, old man! Figure your shit out!" 

Leorio threw the nearest blocky object at the door. Kurapika laughed. 

"What?" he glared at Kurapika, though he was sure the other couldn't see it. "It's not funny."

"It's a little funny," Kurapika said. "Didn't you tell me that story about how you and Alluka set up Gon and Killua?"

"That's not it," he gritted out. "I just — I thought you were —"

A shifting of the sheets, and then Kurapika was next to him, hand on his shoulder. "I'm fine, Leorio." 

He heard his breath coming in small puffs, mind still stuck on Kurapika bleeding out on his bed and carpet, his friend, his soulmate, his family slowly having the life drain from his face. Kurapika crying out for help and no one to hear him, no one who would drop everything to make sure the other was okay. Kurapika —

"I'm right here. Look at me, Leorio." 

He hadn't realized that he was curled up in a ball, shaking, trying to catch his breath.

"Can you hear my voice?"

Leorio nodded. 

"Okay, listen to my breathing."

He did. He couldn't tell how much time had passed, but he and Kurapika stayed like that, matching each others' breaths, until his breathing didn't come out ragged and fearful.

"Can you open your eyes?"

He did. Kurapika was sitting in front of him, arms wrapped over his calves, mirroring him. "I'm okay, Leorio. You can touch me to make sure." 

Leorio wanted that, so badly. He bit his lip and his eyes flicked downward. Kurapika was so close, so close that if he just leaned in he could brush his lips against Kurapika's. 

"Touch me, Leorio," Kurapika asked again. 

Leorio chanced a look at Kurapika's eyes. They cut through the darkness, glowing scarlet. 

"Please." 

That was all Leorio needed to pull Kurapika onto his lap and kiss him. All the times Leorio had imagined kissing Kurapika — none of it was as good as the real thing. Their lips hadn't met in years but the kiss felt like coming home, not clumsy like their first one but familiar, aching, filled with want that Leorio couldn't put words to. 

He ran his hands up and down Kurapika's back, deepening the kiss while Kurapika tangled his hands in Leorio's hair, wrapped his legs around Leorio. Kurapika trailed a line of kisses down Leorio's neck — "Leave marks," Leorio asked, breathless, and Kurapika was all too happy to listen. Tender pecks turned into pressure that made Leorio bite his lip to keep from moaning, until he couldn't take it and gently pushed Kurapika away from his neck to kiss his swollen lips.

"Can we come in now, Leorio?" Gon knocked and Kurapika almost choked on his own spit from bursting out in laughter against Leorio's lips. 

"Oh," Gon gasped in recognition and left the door.

"No, it's fine," Kurapika said, getting up to unlock the door. Leorio groaned and gave him a look that promised their unfinished business would be settled very soon. But before Kurapika reached the door, he paused and strode back to the bed in two quick steps to plant one more kiss on Leorio's forehead.

Leorio's heart soared. 

"By the way, we're dating now." 

Kurapika said it calmly, without any room for disagreement.

"What if I say no?"

"Do you want to?" He looked worried, chewing on his lower lip, and Leorio felt a pang of sadness. 

"I don't," he said, and kissed Kurapika once more. 

* * *

**March 5, XXXX  
Call from kurapika to idiot soulmate  
Received at 8:04 a.m.**

> "Hey, Leorio. I know you're sleeping, but I wanted to leave you something to wake up to. I'm coming home today."  
>  ...  
>  "Still feels weird to say that. I spend more time at your apartment than mine, anyway, but it's strange to think about mixing my books with yours. Alright, not that strange. Yes, I've thought about it before. I've settled on color-coded, but of course I want to know what you think. Just kidding, idiot, I'm trying to help you — you have atrocious organization skills. Okay, fine, because it's our bookcase and not just mine."  
>  ...  
>  "Anyway, by the time you get back from the clinic, all my stuff will be moved in. Call me before noon if you want to back out. Don't call me, I don't want you to ask me to back out. Unless you really do. Which I would understand if you did."  
>  ...  
>  "But I guess you would've told me that by now. I can hear you telling me to "just trust ya." Leorio...thank you. Tell the kids thank you, too. I can tell them myself, I know. I'm just feeling particularly embarrassing and sappy."  
>  ...  
>  "You told me that your mom told you soulmates were made, not born. And I look around at you all and I think that's true. Gon, Killua, Alluka, you, Melody, you're my family. You're home. But I also think something would've led me to you, at least, regardless. Is that cheesy? It's definitely cheesy. Make fun of me later, you huge sap."  
>  ...  
>  "You matter to me. I don't tell you that enough, so here it is on voicemail so you can keep it with you. But I'll say it more so you don't have to keep hearing it on voicemail. We've had enough of those for lifetimes."  
>  ...  
>  "Leorio, you matter to me. I love you. I'll see you soon."

**Author's Note:**

> had to slip in the iconic "i'll take care of you. it's rotten work. not to me, not if it's you." in remix form
> 
> also, the whole "kurapika breaks down when trying to ask leorio how he's been" is from this comic by @friendodo on tumblr: https://friendodo.tumblr.com/post/641965181327523840/leopika-sketchdump-1-what-happens-every-time
> 
> one of my headcanons is that they have an auntie anne's in the hunter x hunter universe and no one can prove me wrong
> 
> let me know what you think!! if you made it this far down, you deserve a cookie or whatever dessert you so desire. i appreciate you for reading + treasure any & all comments <3 
> 
> find me on tumblr @ katipunan.tumblr.com


End file.
